The Neverending Missions of Roger Smith
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: Roger Smith wants to go on a mission with Stan. Problem is he's dressed up as Keira Knightly, among many other things. MANY OTHER THINGS. Takes place in an alternate reality in 2012. warning: Rated M.


Before we begin, Roger has an announcement:

Roger: I WANT TO LIVE IN NEBRASKA! I'M A HUSKER, DAMN IT! BASKETBALL!

I'm a lil corn husker alien, yes I am. *pats himself on back*

Nebraska .That's the Corn Flakes State. That's the best state in the entire United States of America! I'm gonna cry! Home of my favorite cereal, and my favorite bird. Hell I'll even shop at their furniture mart.

Me: Don't cry Roger. We'll figure out a way to work that into my fanfic somehow.

Roger: Really? YAY! Oh, yes! I feel so renewed and full of life. Huskers get lots of hussies, right?

Me: Not so sure about that.

Roger: Well at the very least, I want to steal Francine from Stan-o.

Me: We could work that out somehow.

Roger: And sure, Steve can be a total nuissance, he needs to keep his boners to himself and me only.

I love him though crazy44. I love him. I call him Stevia. Ya gotta put a little bit of him in here.

Me: K. Roger, shush, the story is about to begin.

It was your average day in the Smith house. An alien, talking fish, you know the drill. Everyone in the family was seated at the table. Everyone, that is, except Roger. Klaus was thinking out loud about what he had been reading on the internet.  
"Are you people aware that it is 2012, zee end of the world and that all of you are going to fry because of Planet X?" asked Klaus. No one listened, because Francine was worried about Roger, and Haylee and Stan were arguing.

"Birth control should not be covered by health insurance" yelled Stan.

"Viagra is covered," said Haylee. "If sluts are everywhere, isn't that an argument FOR birth control being covered? Why not cover it?" asked Haylee.

"Because women are icky, except your mother!" replied Stan.

"Have you seen Roger lately? Anymore, he's just completely obsessed with his alter-egos, and he never even comes downstairs for breakfast" said Francine.

"That little guy should open up a vinyard, that's my two cents" said Haylee.

"Haylee, Kim Jong-il is dead, and I killed him, but I know that means nothing to you" said Stan.

"I'm worried about Roger" said Francine.

"Ahaheheh, I'm sure Roger is fine," said Stan. "But you know, if he isn't, I have more important things to contend with. I have terrorists to kill, and this one has a name. Al-ZawaToaster!" said Stan, aiming his gun at the family toaster, firing it, and utterly destroying the toaster. "Stan, I was going to make you toast. Toast with jelly on it. But now I can't. Because you murdered the toaster" said Francine.

"Haven't you seen Chevy commercials? You can't kill a toaster, they're like rocks!" said Stan. "You sound even dumber than Haylee" he added.  
"Dad, Osama is dead, thanks to a liberal black president, and just because I think that everything contains conciousness doesn't make me stupid" said Haylee.

"Oh really? Haylee, Obama wasn't even born in our country, and has more fake identities than Roger. Hell, Roger might as well run. Everything about him is fake, his birth certificate, his beard, even his blackness" said Stan.

"You're right Dad, Bill Clinton was the best black president" said Haylee.

"Uneducated public schooled moron! Next thing Jimmy Carter will be Jesus, and he increased social security payroll taxes, was weak on defending our nation, and he thought he could talk to peanuts. Any more weapons in North Korea, and the world will blow up. That's it, you're out of here. OUT!" yelled Stan, shooting the wireless router.

"Well Dad, you have to one day stop randomly shooting everything in our house, having an issue with that doesn't make me weird" said Haylee.  
"No. You're right. It just makes you the liberal hippy that I love to hate, err, I mean hate to love. Well, I'm off on an important reconnaissance mission. Gotta go observe some terrorists in their natural habitat!" said Stan in a dramatic exagerrated tone. Suddenly, Roger came racing down the stairs just as Stan was about to leave the house.  
"Ooh, ooh, I wanna go Stan. I wanna go on the mission" said Roger.  
"Look Roger, there are a million reasons why you can't come, one of them being that you're a space alien, the second being that you're dressed as Kiara Knightly" said Stan.  
"It was for a pirate themed dance recital. All the Johnny Depps were taken. Please let me come with you Stan. I'll use my mad skills as a female pirate to outfox the terrorists. Get it? Ahahahaaa" laughed Roger.  
"No, I don't get it, and no you can't come. I'm already late" said Stan, slamming the door on Roger. Roger sighed. Stan realized he left his gun on the table and came back into the house briefly.

"Can you buy me some new latex biker boots, with Hello Kitty on them?" yelled Roger, clinging to Stan's legs.

"NO, I have to go to work now, and that's final" said Stan.

"I HAVE A DELICIOUS TURKEY SANDWICH" screamed Roger. But it was too late. Stan was gone.

"You know Roger, we were just talking about you. You're always just doing your own thing anymore, you and Steve haven't even watched any movies together in a long time" said Francine.  
"Sure we did, what was that one called? I think it was called Brokebutt Mountain, the two gay cowboys who broke their butts from too much sex" said Roger.

"Wasn't that Brokeback Mountain? And weren't you forcing Steve at gunpoint to watch it with you?" asked Francine. Steve groaned.

"Roger, why don't you just go on a mission with Dad in Afghanistan and get killed" said Steve.  
"Take that back Steve. The thought of going on a mission with Stan the man is the only thing I have left. I wanna be on the front lines Steve, GI Joe Roger, defending Americaaaaa" said Roger, who began crying, and running upstairs. "I'm gonna go do some digital drugs, I do digital Ecstacy now, SEE YA!"

That night...

"THESE THINGS DON'T WORK, it's like listening to a washing machine, digital drugs my ass" yelled Roger, slamming his headphones onto the floor and stomping on them. "THAT sound file combined with an animated pic of the Nyan Cat's swirling colors was supposed to feel like LSD? Peh, stupid scam artists on the internet. Maybe since I'm an alien I'm immune, but I'm fairly sure the day they invent digital drugs is the day Pamela Anderson becomes president. Steve would vote for her I suppose, cuz she has boobs. I'm gonna grab some beer, get smashed, and play Modern Warfare!" said Roger.

So Roger was upstairs, playing Modern Warfare 3 on a computer.  
"DIE, DIE, DIEEEEE!" yelled Roger. Everyone else was asleep. Roger finally turned off the computer after getting his ass kicked for the last time.  
"Well, maybe if I can't go on a dangerous mission, I'll try to emulate it. Yeah, that'll show this family I can be a good counterintelligence agent. Goodbye Roger Smith, and hello Paul the Punisher!" said Roger, putting on a costume. He decided against it. He looked over his other costumes, his John Travolta costume, his Kevin Costner costume, and his Clint Eastwood costume. He briefly considered his Clint Eastwood costume, but concluded he'd go for something more original. Something he could come up with himself.  
"You know, I don't quite feel like merciless killing today, that's more of a Tuesday thing. I feel more like just being stealthy and listening. I'll be Leo the Listener" thought Roger, putting on yet another costume, this one consisted of a brown wig, a blue uniform, and what Roger called his "listening device" which was actually Steve's baseball cap. Roger began sneaking into Haylee's room. He slid underneath her bed, then listened to her talking in her sleep.  
"I can hear youuu" said Roger in a whispery voice. He then reached his hand up onto the bed, and felt Haylee's hand.

"Oh Jeff, I don't care if you live in a van" said Haylee.  
"I'm not Jeff, I'm Leo, and you have really nice soft hands!" said Roger in his same whispery tone. Haylee screamed.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she yelled, awakening the entire family. Stan and Francine rushed into the room.  
"Sweetie are you alright? We heard quite the commotion" said a concerned Francine.

"It's not Jeff," said Haylee. "It's Leo!"

"GOOD GOD, Jeff was bad enough, I'll kill them both, I'll dedicate my life to it" said Stan.

"Sweetie tell us what the deal is!" said Francine.  
"Haylee, what's going on? Is the mountain man trying to break into our house and rape you again? Cuz if he is, I'll kill him. I'll kill him till the day I die!" said Stan, reaching for his gun. He realized he didn't have his gun on hand.  
"I hear you all, and I'm coocoo for corn flakes" said a whispery voice. Stan looked under the bed.  
"Oh god. I didn't need to see that. Merciful god in heaven, it's hideous. UNCLE! AAAAAUUH!" yelled Stan leaving the room. Francine did not exactly understand her husband's reaction, so, curious, she too took a look under the bed. Sure enough, it was Roger.  
"I've been listening to youuu, and I'm coocoo for corn flakes" he said in a whispering voice.  
"That would be coco puffs. Hi Roger, it's me, Francine" said Francine. Roger got up out of his hiding zone.  
"You always look so beautiful. I love you, baby! Franny wanny!" said Roger, planting a big kiss on Francine's cheek.  
"Ahem. Haylee, it's Roger" said Francine, rubbing the kiss off of her cheek.  
"Oh," said Haylee.

"Franny wannie, someday I'll steal you from Stan-o!" said Roger. Francine smirked.

"I'm sure you will Roger, I'm sure you will" said Francine, winking at Roger.

"You, you mean it? I, I can have Steve too right?" asked Roger. Francine paused.

"No, hun. No " replied Francine leaving the room.

"Haylee's hands? I'll settle for her hands" yelled Roger.

The next morning...

It was another typical Smith day blahblahblah. Klaus was reading alternative fringe media sites on a small computer sitting outside his fish bowl. Roger however was still absent, hanging out upstairs.

"Stan, Roger wants me. Even Klaus wants me. Am I that irresistable?" asked Francine.

"Uh, yeah, I would suggest walking around in a life size paper bag" said Stan. Francine looked angry. "Ahahaheh, because of how good you look, you know, to keep the guys away, ahahaheh!" Stan added.

"Aheheheh yourself, Stan. I'm leaving the room" said Francine.

"WAIT, come back, I have half of Roger's turkey sandwich, it's delicious" said Stan. Suddenly Klaus began speaking.

"Have you people seen this group of folks on Youtube? They call themselves 'Anonymous' and they say there's going to be much famine, and riots in the streets" said Klaus.

"There's nothing anonymous about them," replied Stan. "They're the Joker's minions, seeking vengence because of Heath Ledger's death. If you ever listen to them again I'll kill you, they make me and everything I stand for look bad. Are you a traitor, Klaus?" asked Stan. Just then Steve came into the room.

"Dad, I have a question about sex" said Steve.

"Son, how many times do I have to tell you, abstinence makes the wang grow longer, now shut up Steve, this is a family table, why should our youth know anything about why they exist or where they came from. WHYYYYY!" yelled Stan.

"Calm down Stan. Steve is at that age, you know!" said Francine.

"Yeah, that's true" said Stan. "What's your question Steve?"

"It's actually about Roger's sexuality" said Steve.

"Oh, well, I have a lot of questions about that too. Questions I don't want to think about" said Stan.

"Wikipedia says Roger's a pansexual. What's that?" asked Steve.

"It's when you have an unnatural fetish for pots and pans. See Steve, it makes the phrase 'do the robot' sound twice as disturbing!" explained Stan, who clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

"Huh? Anyway, I think I hear Roger upstairs playing one of my video games. One of my older video games from when I was four" said Steve.

"As long as he's not stealing Beatman from me, I'm good" said Stan. Francine gave Stan an odd look.

"What? I like to play Beatman. It's about a magical vegetable that has to defeat this evil farmer and...STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!" yelled Stan.

"Are you guys aware that the CIA is creating a real life mutated Pikachu and Godzilla to attempt to repel Planet X and that we are all part frog?" asked Klaus.

"Okay, you know too much already. Francine, I'm gonna shoot him!" said Stan.

"Stan, that can't possibly be true. A life size Godzilla and a Pikamon?" said Francine.

"Yes Francine. It's true. And I am so gonna shoot him" said Stan with a stern look.

"Is everything in The Onion for real I suppose?" asked an inquisitive curious Francine.

"Yep. That is, in another dimension parallel to ours, created by the Greys" said Stan.

"Next you're gonna tell me the Nyan Cat is real" said Francine.

"He is, he's a CIA mind control project that implants thoughts into childrens impressionable minds! Why do you think the damn thing runs for six hours?" said Stan.

"What?" asked Francine.

"YOU HEARD NOTHING!" yelled Stan, throwing a memory loss dart at her neck.

Meanwhile, we join Roger and Steve upstairs:

"So I was playing a fishing video game with Stan, and we're looking for the best bait you know, the ultimate bait, so I said we should use the Master Bait" said Roger.

"Uh, not funny!" said Steve.

"Steve, I gotta tell ya, I absoloutely adore The Magical Quest Starring Mickey Mouse. It lets me try on so many outfits, with so many abilities. Look, I'm a little firemouse Steve. A little firemouse. What Walt Disney can't do, I didn't know he made video games. WOOWEEEEE! " shrieked Roger.  
"Walt Disney didn't make the game you moron" said Steve.  
"Oh, yeah, I kinda figured when I saw all those hiroshi yoshies on the credits" replied Roger.  
"Roger, something's different about you" said Steve.  
"No shit Steve, it's like I'm in some kind of shitty fanfiction isn't it? I hope it's a slash involving you and me and our forbidden love. So, what kinds of girls do you like Steve? Cuz I can be any one of em you want, ahahahaaaa!" said Roger.  
"Ewww, Roger, I just wanna know what's bugging you" said Steve.

"I make a mean Beatrix from Final Fantasy IX" said Roger.

"ROGER! WHAT'S BUGGING YOU?" yelled Steve.  
"I wanna go on a mission with Stan-o!" said Roger.  
"Maybe if you wore the right disguise, he'd let you go" said Steve.  
"You know Stevia, you just might be right about that" said Roger.

"How about Solid Snake?" said Steve.

"SOLID SNAKE, he's the best terrorist/commie fighting non-existant IRL hero ever. I'll be him! Oh, and if I can't go on a mission with Stan, Stevie, can you take me to Nebraska?" asked Roger.

"No!" said Steve. "But maybe Nebraska Furniture Mart"

A week later...

There was Stan, on a dangerous mission in the desert, he had to gather terrorist intel. He sat outside a cave, listening, and recording.

"We need to start making our bombs smaller," said one terrorist. "More compact"

"We need to put them in our hats. Computers. Our shoes. Our toes" said another terrorist.

"A toe bomb? This is the most elaborate scheme ever, imagine that, a toe bomb, it must rely on explosive toe jam to function properly" said Stan, taking 'notes'. Just then Stan heard some rustling behind him, and a long gray finger tapped him on the back. Yes, it was Roger, AKA Solid Snake.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUH! NORTH KOREA!" screamed Stan.

"Shhh, be quiet, it's me, Solid Snake. I was pulled out of retirement by Colonel Campbell, I'm a mercernary commando of FOXHOUND, a black ops espionage unit, my emotions are buried deep inside myself, as I spent most of my life on the battlefield. I'm here to help you!" said Solid Snake.

"How did your voice get so low, Roger?" asked Stan.

"I'm not Roger, I am Solid Snake" said Roger.

"Roger you idiot, you're lucky my screaming didn't alert the enemy to our presence. Oh, yeah, it did" said Stan, seeing about five insurgents dressed in strange black ninja-esque garb leaving the cave.

"They're leaving, they didn't even notice us. Incredible" said Stan.

"This looks like a job for SOLID SNAKE" said Roger, pulling out a phone from his pocket.

"What are you doing Roger?

"Calling Liquid Snake, my boss! He's gonna send some of his goons over to help us fight the terrorists" said Roger. Roger grabbed Stan's gun and began chasing the terrorists. Surprisingly, after chasing them and swearing at them in five different alien languages, he finally was able to catch up to them, shooting each of them dead, falling flat on their stomachs into the unforgiving sand. Roger came back panting heavily, and collapsed in front of Stan.

"There's just one problem. I wanted them ALIVE" said Stan, strangling Roger.

"Why?" asked Roger.

"They were LEADS" replied Stan.

"Oh, yeah, you want the big cheese right? He's sleeping in the cave, Liquid Snake told me so. Little does he know I have a laptop with me" said Roger.

"A laptop? What good will a laptop do?" asked Stan.

"I'll give him a visual display of the Nyan Cat's swirling lights and colors, combined with binaural audio beats that stimulate certain receptors in the brain causing him to feel like he's tripping. He'll go insane, come rushing out screaming, and then I'll shoot him" explained Rodger, running into the cave.

"Wait, who's Liquid Snake? How do you even know any of this stuff? ROGER, you're jeapordizing my mission" shouted Stan. But sure enough, after putting the earphones on the sleeping terrorist, and sneaking out of the cave, Al Zawabanorijawibzamoriwam came rushing out, going mad, as he was seeing colors and strange lights.

"It worked. Total hail mary there. I was immune cuz I was an alien!" said Roger.

"What?" asked Stan.

"Just say no, to digital drugs!" said Roger, as he pulled out Stan's gun, and shot the color crazed terrorist.

"Roger, you...you saved America" said Stan.

"Best part is you get all the credit" said Roger, winking.

"Uhh, I'm not sure I trust you on that" said Stan.

"Want my turkey sandwich?" asked Roger. Stan took a bite out of Roger's sandwich.

"That...that really IS delicious" said Stan.

"Yeah, just like the value of teamwork!" said Roger.

The End, of Part 1, that is.

Will Roger get a job at the CIA as Solid Snake?


End file.
